Quaking Aspen–dVerse Meeting the Bar


Quaking Aspen, fall foliage

Quaking Aspen, fall foliage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yellow leaves flutter,
surrender to autumn’s dance,
burnish the blue sky.

Branches stretch out,
tease a foraging quail,
toss gold to the wind.

Before Edit:

I took this from my writing note book. The lines I’m underlining here were strike-through’s. I usually write the first draft in pencil and do some editing as I go along in a very messy, unlined sketch book.

Autumn leaves flutter,
surrender to autumn’s dance
Fall leaves fluttering
in the wind like coins of gold
burnish the blue sky.

Branches stretching out
tease quail
to tease a foraging quail
toss gold leaves to the wind.

Linked to dVerse Meeting the Bar where the prompt today is Editing. I’m hostessing this week and hope you’ll stop by for a draft of poetry!

I’d like to invite you to stop over and read Lorna Lee’s Interview of me. Lorna is a delightfully talented, extraordinarily funny blogger who Lorna’s Voice blog serves as a therapeutic break in a busy day of writing. Oh dear, look at those adverbs. Well, she’s earned them.

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28 thoughts on “Quaking Aspen–dVerse Meeting the Bar

  1. margaret says:

    Lovely! But… I adore the “coin” description. IMO, I think it should be added at the end “toss gold coins….: Either way, it is gorgeous.

    Like

  2. Imelda says:

    I was here earlier and left a comment yet somehow, the computer that I used was not friends with WordPress. The latter did not want to post my comment from the laptop I was using.

    The editing in this work streamlined the words and made the poem move and dance and lilt. 🙂

    Like

  3. Akila says:

    I have come to appreciate revisions much much more, thank you!

    Like

  4. wolfsrosebud says:

    did like those last three lines…

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  5. G-Man says:

    Beautifully Autumnal My Friend.
    Thank You Much for visiting…G

    Like

  6. ManicDdaily says:

    PS – what I like is the simplicity of your theme – it allows for this wonderful simple but laden imagery. k.

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  7. ManicDdaily says:

    Great job with your edits. Lovely poem. I chose UNFORTUNATELY a very long poem and old poem for this exercise – it was interesting but not nearly so successful as yours! Thanks. k.

    Like

  8. Love those little gold coins fluttering.

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  9. I wish I could get a grip on my poetry. It’s so simple and weak. Ahhh … one day ….
    Incredibly helpful post for newbie poets like me.

    Like

  10. In spite of its theme–Autumn’s ecstasies there’s a flirting with the Spring season… very beautiful and eye-squinting by the swoops of colors and chimera of memories ~ Wonderful !

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  11. vbholmes says:

    Lovely capture of fall–gold in motion against blue. Wonderful visual..

    Like

  12. emangster00 says:

    Aw this was so beautiful and dreamy! I have to say though, i loved your unedited version even more! Haha

    And thank you for your editing advice….i could so relate to what you said and it was very instructive for me!

    Like

  13. Laurie Kolp says:

    I love how you demonstrated your editing process, Victoria… and I so enjoyed your prompt!

    Like

  14. Susan says:

    Sweet outcome, great demo of going for the specific for color a generalization can’t give.

    (Oh, Victoria, this is a brilliant prompt! Slower to read the poems to really do the effort justice. Reminds me of teaching/learning where the boundary doesn’t exist. I find the experience emotional.)

    Like

  15. There is more of a flow to the first one.I think it is the better one although I quite like the second as well!.

    Like

  16. claudia says:

    toss gold to the wind…oh i love this…such a wonderful vivid image…very cool how you edited this victoria…and i prefer unlined notebooks as well…smiles

    Like

  17. Miss Hannah says:

    I love the subtlety of the first 2 lines, the harsh beauty of the third. ( sorry:)I’ve never studied poetry so I don’t know what the correct writers description def’s are) I think it describes a crisp burst of nature in words that beautifully dance on your mind

    Like

  18. Gay Cannon says:

    I love the way you tightened it – you indeed captured those golden “dollar” shaped leaves and the quiver they set up in you!

    Like

  19. Ruth says:

    ah, lovely, even lovelier after the editing – thanks for showing how it’s done… the leaves are gold tossed to the wind, i love that metaphor

    Like

  20. Mama Zen says:

    Perfect example of a really great edit, Victoria!

    Like

  21. I love what you ended up with. I like it even better having read your first draft. It’s beautiful

    Like

  22. brian miller says:

    toss gold to the wind…nice…cool to see your edits as well..the double use of autumn would have been too much so nice switch to yellow…well refined poem vic…

    Like

  23. Glenn Buttkus says:

    Just 23 words, in a sweet form, that sets a Fall tableau, creates movement, cajoles an equinox; wonderful illustration for us too.

    Like

  24. howanxious says:

    I love how you transformed it into a beautifully pictured scene. Lovely!

    Like

  25. I often do that too, play around with words and lines, striking as I go. I love the final version . . . visual, colorful, beautiful and strong.

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  26. Mary says:

    I do like your revision. I fight with -ing’s sometime too. Always feel good when I remove them. I especially like ‘toss gold to the wind.’ One doesn’t need the word ‘leaves.’ Very nice article today.

    Like

  27. annotating60 says:

    Victoria, I thought this a very beautiful and concise write. Kudos.>KB

    Like

  28. aprille says:

    Job done! The move from gerund to present tense seems very fortuitous, as does the different positioning of the ‘Autumn’ aspect by means of highlighting the colour
    Now we want more 🙂

    Like

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