Today for dVerse Meeting the Bar I’ve asked that we write poems that focus on verbs. To do this I searched my archives for a spring poem–this one written in 2010 and have revised it to clean it up a bit with an emphasis on active verbs. The first poem is the revision.
Awakening Spring
Do you remember clouds
like white dogs bounding
across empty skies?
Or coupling dragonflies,
their wings shaved slivers–
moonstone-shimmering?
Nearby, leaves moldered.
Their smell mingled with
scents of sweat and love.
A chorus of crickets undulated
in an outdoor theater,
unabashed by our nakedness.
Grass scratching, breeze licking
aroused bliss,
foreshadowed tomorrow’s spring .
Photo: zenfolio
This is the original–not too bad as far as verbs, but a little wordy.
Spring
Do you remember the cloud
that looked like a white dog bounding
across the empty gray sky?
Or the coupling dragonflies,
their wings shaved slivers of
shimmering moonstone or fire opal?
Nearby, something moldered in dank earth.
Its smell mingled with
the scent of our sweat and sex.
A chorus of crickets undulated
in an outdoor theater,
unabashed by our nakedness.
You told me to get on top because
the grass beneath our blanket scratched me.
A breeze licked my body.
Do you think that it was love?
Or maybe because tomorrow would be spring.
I invite you to join us at dVerse since this is my last time hosting…at least in the foreseeable future. I’ve assumed the role of caregiver for a while. And that’s what enduring love means for the long haul.
Victoria C. Slotto, Author 
I don’t know much about poetry, but I know I like the “feel” of the second one better. It feels more personal, more genuine. I know the revision is more succinct and artful, but the the original has more heart, in my humble opinion. 🙂
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grass scratching, mingling smells, white dog bound in the sky… Such clever and creative verbing…
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I think, somehow, your revised version outshines the original…it is more subtle in some of the descriptions, but because of that, even more sensual than the original.
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Both are fantastic! Thank you for hosting at the dPub.
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Victoria, am sure we will miss your presence – I have always admired your work, am sure you will be writing poetry and I will get to read your lovely work again.
I loved the beauty in your piece and it was good to see the work of transformation too – your prompt made me think, probably if we leaned towards verbs, we could write better.
Thank you and all the best. I hope your husband gets well soon.
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Good job, however I prefer the first one for its flowing ….and yes, I remember that itchy grass!
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Great model for cutting teh inessential and tightening imagery verb-ally! I will be back to play.
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I like the way you’ve pared down and tightened up the re-write. Lovely images here. And I had to chuckle at Claudia’s comment.
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I do like the shrunken version better. It is all too easy to write poetry as we would write prose, dotting every i and crossing every t, but to me the spare quality of poetry concentrates the meaning and the emotion.
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Love that mouldered, mingled, and especially this bit:
“their wings shaved slivers–
moonstone-shimmering”
Gorgeous.
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The new version has so much that I like, but I must say I really like the original, Of course the white dog clouds is just a perfectly wonderful image.
Will keep you and your husband in thoughts and prayers –
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Very nice indeed, really put me in the scene.
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And by the by, your Blue blog is so gorgeous–my fave color!
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i like how the last stanza runs away and the mold and sweat and coupling dragonflies and the clouds compared to dogs.
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I admire the revised version very much specially:
white dogs bounding
across empty skies?
The abundance of verbs (moonstone simmering) made a difference Victoria ~
Thanks for being our gracious host and we look forward to your return sometime ~ Take care ~
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The couplings of nature set free in love.. brings the warmth of spring twelve months around for humans too.. ah what a delight it can be to be as free as human can.. with spring in toes.. and all around in light!..with Springs Delight!..:)
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Oh I like the revision.. so direct and lustful.. just as that perfect explosion of a spring kiss can be.. You make me remember with those words… excellent example.
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lovely Victoria, I think it is always love
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I really like both, Victoria. The original is denser, and the revision seems more present, sharper. Great exercise!
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Both are beautiful; the new one leaps out at the reader in a more active voice, an unabashed celebration of Spring rites, while the original is more subtle… Love them both!
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I like the first for its modesty and economy. Something so intimate should be intimated, not so thoroughly exposed. Less is more, I think.
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Both are good but the revision is an explosion! It says so very much and is so very vivid. I had an outdoor experience like that once….never liked mosquitos but now I am rabid about them. Clouds bounding like white dogs….oh, what a happy image for a spring sky!
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I love complex descriptive poetics, as you know, so for me the original poem resonates more intensely with me; clearing up inquiries, first impressions, & blank spaces. My wife just had shoulder surgery, so I, too will wear the loving mantle of caregiver for a few months.
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Yes, much stronger and vivid. It captures the reader in the first stanza
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hey – i remember that one back from luke’s group… i like the white dog clouds and love outdoors…hmmm… can be so romantic but… ha… i had an ant experience once on an occasion like that… things to remember…smiles
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Excellent revision. It didn’t take much…smiles. I enjoyed ‘clouds like white dogs bounding,’ which appealed to the dog-lover in me. And what an excellent description — ‘crickets undulating.’ I will never hear crickets again in the same way. Loved the ending — yes, spring fever indeed.
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