Vacuum
I am afraid to grieve—afraid that if I open that door a crack those other monsters hidden in the shadows will creep in and invade my peace. Is it because that loss began so long ago, when the brilliance of her mind began to dim, when judgment fled and anger peeked between the clouds? Or has the “business” of dying obscured the underlying pain? And when that’s done (if ever) what awaits? I dread am afraid of grief.
ducklings romp outside
april joy plays in sunshine
hawk swoops in, devours
Kanzen Sakura asks for Haibuns written on the subject of our most honest fears. Visit dVerse Haibun Monday to share.
Very moving haibun Victoria ~ I fear for such immense grief ~ And your haiku is lovely, with life and death weaving together ~
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BTW…the haiku is remarkable. Gobsmacked me just as mine did you.
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I understand totally. I have wept daily since my mom was diagnosed. when she forgets my father, when she argues about why she is not in her own home (which was sold years ago), when she talks about walking around outside the NH, all of thise causes me to grieve. I am afraid if I do not grieve, I will not remember the good times. The good times are so intertwined. She is such an odd mixture now of anger, happiness, paranoia, love. I know when she dies, I will begin the grief process all over again because, she is still here with me. When Mama dies, I don’t know how I will react. I guess I will grieve and weep over the her of my youth. I am afraid not to grieve.
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I have a box of memorabilia from way back…WWII and during my youth. We found it in the attic. I am delaying the read for when all this stuff with the estate is done so that I can focus on the process of grieving. I suspect that will help. I have blocked my tears for now and I would like to howl so that you could hear me across the miles. Savor those tears. I think they are so intertwined with the happy memories. I am here if you need to talk.
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And I am here for you as well. Right now, my howling is silent…but howling none the less
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I “hear” you. xo
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❤ ❤ ❤
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Aargh, I can identify with this…..
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I think many people “our age” can. It’s a sad reality.
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Well, very true…
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Best to balance grief with happy memories, the problem is that the two are often entwined, you sometimes have to have a wee cry first so then you can release the happy memories.
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Thanks, Robin. I’m looking forward to that wee cry.
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Nice haiku about the ducklings and the hawk. I guess I am more afraid of what would cause me to grieve or cause others to grieve because of me rather than grieving itself. Maybe they can’t be separated.
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I believe that’s true. Life is full of endings and beginnings, a part of who we are.
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This is a tough one, Victoria, because there is much to grieve in our lives and what happens when it has no outlet?
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You got it, Gayle.
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