Lamentation
a Haibun
The pelting rain, a sort of purifying ritual, drenches me—mingles with my tears of regret. So easy to be unnoticed in this large crowd, waiting for a means of escape, a yellow hack driven by a stranger. Anonymity, a blessed escape from reality.
I clench my unopened umbrella at my side, welcome the cleansing downpour.
Questions pound me with every drop. Could I have been there if I’d tried? Said words of forgiveness, words he needed to hear? Offered him the solace of my absolution?
But anger has burned inside me for so many years. It is no longer separate from who I am. I no longer have anger, I am anger.
And so he died—unshriven, despairing. And I, I bear the burden.
rain drops drench my soul
waiting alone in this crowd
battered by regret
Photo: Mary Kling
all rights reserved
used with permission
Hey, everyone…it’s Haibun Monday at dVerse! Today, Mary Kling offers 3 of her photos for your inspiration. Feel free to use them, but kindly give her the credit due. Please give your imagination free rein and join us. The doors open at 3 PM EST and remain open all week.
Victoria C. Slotto, Author 
This is so sad, especially because of how often it is played out in our world. Anger dividing loved ones over something generally trivial by comparison to the loss that ensues. Forgiveness is always the better course, so that one might not become anger. Peace, Linda
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Not forgiving is so hard on the one filled with anger and the ultimate regret, you have written of perfectly here!
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That is beautifully written, but so heartrending.
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The situation behind the anger and guilt is unspoken, open-ended. Be that as it may, the burden the victim carries of the injustice done and having to forgive, to heal – a triple load to carry. Some doesn’t make it.
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Such a moving and sad situation – the regrets, the guilt. Some people may not be aware of it at the time, but I’m convinced that sooner or later it will strike them and harm them as a person. Beautifully described, unsentimental, not at all melodramatic, but just sadly realistic. ‘I am anger’ – and for the moment anger seems more important than anything else…
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You’re right, it’s a fine line between anger in and anger out and it’s all garbage.
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Guilt is gnawing feeling and it is even worse when we know we cannot make things right again. We all have our share of regrets but hopefully they are not as heavy as this person’s burden.
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I love the story of getting lost in the crowd, being anonymous, yet bearing and carrying anger and regret ~ These emotions are indeed heavy to carry ~ Love the metaphor of the rain, to cleanse our soul in the haiku Victoria ~
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It is a tragedy, especially knowing the person who, in the end, is most adversely affected, is the person holding on to the anger.
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Guilt is a terrible burden to carry. A good capture.
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Miss you at dVerse, Ayala.
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No act of kindness
No word
No act.. no service
too small..
to save a life.. is all
Trying alway
s PiLL
Forgiveness
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I think after such a long time of holding onto anger that the original thing that angered you has long ago been so distorted that it’s unrecognizable at that point. And then to live with guilt piled on top of it, what a wasted life. You told this so well, Victoria. I too liken it to your book. Those feelings can eat us up can’t they?
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I could not live with that, though in my work with death and dying, sadly, I saw it too often. Forgiveness is such a basic need for both those forgiven and forgiving…perhaps more so for the latter.
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Guilt is definitely a heavy burden to bear….and even heavier, I think, on a rainy day. Anger can really eat at a person, but tragic when it is so strong that it becomes the person as well!
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This reminds me of your book.. to go on without having forgiven.. (and maybe it cannot be forgiven) yet I always wonder if such things is the right decision. If I could turn back time… so sad..
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I’ve witnessed the importance of forgiveness in my work with death and dying. I had a patient who just kept holding on. Finally I asked her daughter if there was something that needed to be said between them. The daughter admitted she had never been able to forgive her mother for abuse she had received as a child. I suggested that maybe that was what her mother needed. The woman died within minutes of hearing her daughter’s forgiving words. That has stuck with me and influenced this haibun and, yes, the novel.
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Too often in our life, we become so angry at someone, that when they pass, we wonder if our anger was righteous or guilty of adding to the karmic debt that person had to pay for? I had a boss for 18 years, & we feuded for the whole time. I believed he was evil, yet when he died, I wept.
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Sometimes our deeper feelings surprise us, don’t they?
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What a heavy burden to bear – guilt. It is going to take a lot of rain to wash that away, to cool that anger. It is so sad that people have had such experiences that it is hard to forgive. But sometimes, life is like that.
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